Sometimes I Just Can't Stop
by Mike

I remember it starting when I was in the Little League. I don't recall how old I was about 9. That is irrelevant. I can remember the day that it began. I was at a baseball game and all of a sudden, I had to close my eyes. No, not blink, I had to shut them hard and then open them again. Almost like the Gennie in " I Dream of Genie" only with a lot more force. It came out of nowhere and to this day, it hasn't stopped.

This went on and on. I told my mom. Heck, it was visible I couldn't hide. From then on, I had a "twitch". Sometimes it was my eyelids, others, my jaws or shoulders. Very occasionally, I was free from it. I noticed that when I got nervous over anything that it got worse. I was known as the kid with the "twitch".

The "twitch" didn’t affect any other part of my life. I was a good athlete and I played football, baseball and basketball and threw the shot put in high school. However, that "twitch" always aware of it, always wondering what people are thinking of me when they see me do it. There were then and is now times when I am mortified.

During high school, there were times when it got pretty bad. At one point, I convinced my mom to bring me to the Dr. to try to get something done about it. Of course there was nothing to do. The Dr. said that it was simply a "twitch" and that I had to live with it and that it might even go away. I knew that wouldn't happen. However, he said that there was a new drug on the market that somewhat sedated the Central Nervous System that we could try. You might of heard of it, it's name is Vallium.

The Vallium did indeed help. Not 100% but it made the "twitch" better. So much so that one night during my junior year I was at a friend's house playing poker. After about an hour, he looked at me and said "Mike, I haven't noticed your "twitch". At that moment I realized two things. One was that the "twitch" was more noticeable that I had ever imagined and the two, people who cared about me didn't care about my "twitch."

There was a problem with the Vallium. You see, it is a drug that builds up tolerance. That means that you need to keep increasing the dose to achieve the desired effect. Man! I was taking enormous amounts and I had to keep taking more and more of it to calm the "twitch". Looking back on it now, I could honestly say that I probably was addicted to it. Needless to say, I don't take it anymore.

Other than self-consciousness, I lived a normal childhood and teenage existence. For that matter, I'm doing OK in adult life also with a wonderful wife and 3 beautiful kids. Non of which have the "twitch"

I'm getting somewhat ahead of myself. You see, whether or not others around me cared about my "twitch", I did. Sometimes when it gets bad, it seriously tires me out. I mean physically. You don't realize the energy expended by a person who "twitches".

I needed to figure out a way to help myself as it was obvious even in high school that no one was going to help me. Believe it or not, because of the drive to help myself cure my "twitch" I went on to become a doctor. Man, I tell you, that I tried everything. I tried diet, exercise, Acupuncture, Homeopathy and Herbs. Not to mention traditional meds! Combinations of vitamins helped on occasions but nothing permanently.

Then one day, I found out what really happened to me. About 15 years ago, my parents decided to move. Living in California, I didn't help them pack their old house. However, I went to help them unpack in the new one. As I am unpacking a box, to my amazement, I come across a prescription bottle for a drug named Haldol. Haldol is a psychotropic drug used in conditions such as schizophrenia. I was startled because I didn't know that anyone in my family had psychological problems. When I turned the bottle around to see who it was, I was floored. It was me! I couldn't believe it! What in the good Lord's name was I taking Haldol for?

You see, one of the permanent side affects of the drug Haldol is "twitching" also called Tardive Dyskenesia or Tardive Dystonia. I was quickly becoming angry and frantic. This curse that I had all my life and will continue to have for the rest of my life was acceptable when I was born with it. All of a sudden to realize that it occurred because of an adverse effect of a drug. I couldn't handle it, at least not at that moment.

I collected myself and went to find my mom. I found her where I always found her, in the kitchen. She was with my dad and two sisters. "Good" I said to myself, "they are all here". "Hey mom, while unpacking a box, I found this old prescription bottle of mine. Its for a drug called Haldol. Do you remember anything about this?" Initially, now one remembered.

My oldest sister then asked what year was on the bottle. "1964" I said. Contemplating, my mom says "lets see, you were 9 in 1964." She then began asking herself what happened to me at 9 that I needed medication. It was a long time ago but it did matter. I didn't care how long it would take to figure out, I wanted answers.

After about 20 minutes, my middle sister turned to my mom and said. "wasn't that the time when Michael couldn't sleep." "Yeah" said my mom. "What do you mean I couldn't sleep". I said.

"Well, you weren't able to fall asleep and stay asleep. I mean you were up most of the night and keeping all of us up along with you" mom said. "So" I said. "So, I took you to the doctor to see if anything was wrong with you. He said that you were fine but so all of us could sleep, he gave you this new sleeping pill and that is it" said mom.

Sleeping pill I thought to myself, this is a psychotropic drug, not a sleeping pill. This guy had other thoughts. I looked at my mom and as calmly as I could said "mom, this pill is the reason form my "twitch". This pill is used to treat psychotic individuals like people with schizophrenia. It has a horrible side effect called "Tardive Dyskenesia if it is not given in conjunction with another drug called Cogentin that blocks that bad effect".

"I never heard of anything like that, I did exactly what the doctor told me to do at the time". She said. I couldn't blame her. She didn't know. She was simply trying to help her little boy get some sleep. I could see that she was feeling bad so I put my arms around her and told her not to worry that it wasn't her fault.

I was upset at the doctor who prescribed the medication. As you can imagine, I started doing research on Haldol. Sure enough, when it first came out, it was prescribed as a sleeping pill and for kids no less. The powers to be at the time didn't know about the side effect of "Tardive Dyskenesia". It turned out that our family doctor must have also thought that he was doing the best he could for me too. When he gave it to me, like all new drugs, it was hailed as a wonder drug. He didn't know.